I came to many revelations, re-revelations, and realizations today. After talking to a good friend for a good hour or so, I was reminded of just how good it is to really be able to talk about personal things with people. It wasn't that I haven't had personal chats recently, but it's been more so about me listening to others and not as much me being able to express what I realized was bottled up inside of me. When part of that was released, I felt a slight burden lifted off. Such is the power of fellowship with one another. On the other hand, the conversation brought me to think more critically of my life. I've only somewhat realized this before but today, I concluded that I take too many things too lightly. It's not necessarily that bad of a thing but in light of my future, I really have not prepared well for what it's like in what people call "the real world". I've learned how to make money, but not through jobs but rather through stuff like offers and poker. The pay has been decent too...but I missed out on the skills that could come with taking something simple such as working at a retail store. Part of the reason for avoiding such jobs was because of all the horrible stories I've heard about them, and knowing myself and how much I can detest authority, especially when I feel it being abused, I knew it wouldn't have been long before I would have gotten sick of it. Still though, despite this, it's about what I want. It's about what would make me happy and it's about how I would feel. Pastor Min's words couldn't ring any truer when he said we're all really selfish. I'm disappointed in myself in that I felt that I was much more selfless in some of my past days than I am now. It's been my philosophy to put others first and I have deluded myself into believing that I was doing my best when in fact I was looking for ways to keep myself in the comfort zone. All of this is in the context of my family though. When it comes to friends and other people, it's much better.

That's one of my major issues. I don't feel like I care about my family enough. In actuality, I do care a heck of a lot, but the problem lies with that I don't do anything to show it and I always end up kicking myself for it. Inside, I feel this massive amount of guilt of how I've treated my family for the past 20 years and how under appreciated they are. Thinking of it every time moves me to the brink of tears but yet, when I'm in their presence, it's just too hard to do anything and I end up out of the house doing stuff with my friends and neglecting what little time I have left with my family. I mean seriously, growing up, I have been a huge rebel. I yelled at them, argued with them constantly, subjugated my brother to terrible things (rofl, okay, it's not THAT bad, but I still feel guilty), and though there were many good times where I did really touching things for my family, any light I see is enveloped by the overwhelming darkness that is there. Now that my family’s financial situation is shakier than ever and with the economy in a slump, I STILL am not doing what I’m called to do to help out. Listening to my friend’s story today of what she does to help her family and from listening to several of my other friend’s stories of how they work at college, study hard to get a good education so they can graduate early and get a job right away, etc.etc. just makes me think of how laid back I’ve been about everything. It’s like I’ve taken my more or less care-free lifestyle for granted. And now, reality is creeping in.

Recently, I’ve been really angry. At first I didn’t know why, but now I do, and there are many reasons. The first reason is because of so much injustice in the world. I see people getting cheated out of what they should get and other people looked down upon just because their skills are not as sharp or keen as another. Then they are criticized for doing something wrong that really is just a simple mistake. Then there are the ones who make so many excuses for things just to not be wrong. It can’t be their fault…so it must be everyone else’s. If that doesn’t work, then the whole world has made this the way it is and I guess we’re all just stuck in the middle of it so it must be nature’s fault. Ugh, I think this is along the lines of taking responsibility for what you do and looking outside of oneself. I for the most part, don’t say much most of the time just because I like to keep the peace and have everyone get along. It’s actually really interesting sometimes just to observe people and to listen to other people around you talking rather than contributing yourself. Part of the time, I simply don’t say anything because I just have nothing to say and cannot relate. Other times, it’s for the former purpose. Then there are the times aside from normal friendly conversations where tension rises and I say nothing so that I don’t risk creating more friction against one side. But then sometimes not doing anything is worse than doing anything at all so I’m going to pray for wisdom and intervene when it is necessary. So long as I am equipped properly, then it’ll end up being okay.

This past week’s message on callings really made me think about my calling. I sometimes wonder if God really meant for me to lead people in some sort. In a sense I do already, but most of the time, I try to shun that duty because of my own distaste of power and how it so very often breeds arrogance. I’m very skilled in many sports and activities, more so than most people realized, but I only bring them to surface when the need arises for me to use them. Thus, most people don’t really recognize me as a pretty adept athlete because I don’t reveal it to people and when they see me in action, they tell me they are really surprised. But it’s not even so much leading in sports but just in general for daily things. After listening to Pastor Min speak this past Friday, I wonder if God has delegated many responsibilities that were meant for me to someone else because I choose not to take them. I choose not to speak up when called and choose not to show my intellect or abilities unless it’s really necessary. I think part of it too is that I don't want to seem boastful or to be flaunting my abilities, thus becoming the essence of what I myself despised. Then there are those times where even when no one else is capable of fulfilling that task, I cannot do it either and so we’re all stuck anyways. I think I’m beginning to realize that I might as well take opportunities to do things even when I know there is at least one other person in the crowd that is capable of doing it as well. I need to put myself to greater use for God. After all, it’s a privilege to serve Him.

I was confronted by an IV person last year and asked why I didn’t take on any officer roles in any organizations or attempt to take an official position where I am able to do more and influence more people in a positive way. When I told her my answer, she was surprised yet saddened and shook her head saying that I was essentially wasting my gifts. At the time, I disagreed and thought it to be best that I was doing what I was doing. Now, I understand what she meant. I can touch people’s lives the way I am now. But I can touch many more lives by taking on a greater role in society. I just never wanted to live up to that responsibility and was rebellious. Man, what a wake-up call =__= I'm still not completely willing to do much more sadly, but I think I will now at least make a greater attempt...and hopefully in the future, I will see the fruits of what I decide to plant in the present.